Monogamy, as a social and personal choice, has become increasingly scrutinized in modern society. While some argue that monogamy is unrealistic and not aligned with human biology or societal needs, others maintain that it is essential for emotional fulfillment, family stability, and societal well-being. The case against monogamy and for monogamy explores both sides of the debate, supported by data and expert perspectives, to present a balanced view.
The Arguments Against Monogamy
- Biological Perspective: Anthropologists often point to the fact that humans share close genetic ties with bonobos, a species known for its non-monogamous mating behaviors. This suggests that human beings are not naturally predisposed to monogamy. Some argue that imposing monogamous structures on humans is counter to our evolutionary heritage, as our closest relatives exhibit a free, promiscuous mating system.
- Sociological View: Sociologists argue that monogamy is an unrealistic expectation, given the high rates of infidelity in society. Studies indicate that around 20-25% of married men and 10-15% of married women admit to having extramarital affairs, suggesting that despite cultural norms, a significant number of people find it difficult to adhere to monogamous commitments. The argument is that humans, like many other animals, are biologically programmed to seek multiple partners for genetic diversity and variety.
- Medical Insights: Some doctors argue that humans, much like other animals, were designed to be fruitful and multiply, indicating that multiple partners could be part of our natural inclination. Additionally, research suggests that men may have a biological drive for variety in sexual partners to increase the spread of their genes. In contrast, women who have the capacity for multiple orgasms may be biologically wired to seek different partners who can satisfy them in various ways.
- Cultural Shifts: Modern society has seen a decline in long-term, monogamous relationships, as seen in rising divorce rates and the increasing popularity of open and polyamorous relationships. Data from the National Center for Health Statistics shows that the divorce rate in the United States was approximately 2.7 per 1,000 population in 2020. This marital stability is often used to support the claim that monogamy is a social construct rather than a natural inclination.
The Case for Monogamy
- Religious and Agricultural Roots: Monogamy has deep historical roots, particularly within religious and early agricultural communities. These systems often promoted monogamy as a means of ensuring stability, property rights, and family lineage. Religions like Christianity, Islam, and Judaism advocate for monogamous unions as a reflection of divine or moral principles. The Bible, for instance, emphasizes the importance of a committed union between one man and one woman (Genesis 2:24), illustrating how religious institutions have played a role in shaping societal norms around monogamy.
- Desire for Lifelong Partnership: Despite the decline in monogamous relationships, some individuals naturally desire one partner for life. Studies show that a significant portion of the population still values monogamy as a means of achieving deep emotional and physical connection. According to the Pew Research Center, 88% of married adults in the U.S. cite love and companionship as their primary reason for marrying. These findings on monogamy can fulfill an innate human desire for closeness, stability, and support, even if it is not always successful in practice.
- Emotional and Psychological Benefits: Psychological studies indicate that monogamous relationships can offer numerous emotional and health benefits. Monogamous partners often report higher levels of trust, intimacy, and satisfaction. Research from the American Psychological Association suggests that married individuals generally experience better mental health outcomes than their non-married counterparts. When successful in a consistent support system, monogamy can improve overall well-being and reduce stress.
- Societal Stability: From a societal perspective, monogamy contributes to stability by promoting family unity and continuity. Families formed through monogamous unions often provide the foundation for child-rearing, economic cooperation, and community building. Historical evidence shows that early agricultural societies thrived on the stability brought about by monogamous unions, which helped to secure land rights and maintain agricultural productivity.
What Do the Experts Have to Say About Monogamy?
The Arguments Against Monogamy
- Biological Perspective:
- Anthropologist Helen Fisher argues, “Humans are serially monogamous, rather than strictly monogamous. Our evolutionary past suggests a pattern of forming pair bonds that last only long enough to rear offspring before seeking new mates.” Fisher’s research supports the idea that humans, while capable of forming bonds, are also biologically predisposed to seeking multiple partners to increase genetic diversity.
- Richard Wrangham, a biological anthropologist, states, “Humans share approximately 98.7% of our DNA with bonobos, a species known for their non-monogamous mating habits. This close genetic relationship implies that our ancestors may have been non-monogamous as well, and the current societal structures may be an imposition rather than a natural inclination.” (Source: The Evolution of Human Sexuality)
- Sociological View:
- Sociologist Pepper Schwartz notes, “Given the high rates of infidelity, it is clear that monogamy is a fragile institution. It’s not that people don’t want to be monogamous; it’s that it’s difficult to maintain in the long term.” According to Schwartz, infidelity is prevalent due to a combination of social, emotional, and biological factors. Research published in The Journal of Marriage and Family indicates that infidelity rates range from 20-25% among men and 10-15% among women, demonstrating the challenges individuals face in maintaining exclusive relationships.
- Esther Perel, a well-known relationship therapist, adds, “Monogamy used to be one person for life; today, monogamy means one person at a time. The way we understand fidelity is shifting because the expectations placed on it are too high.” (The State of Affairs)
- Medical Insights:
- Dr. David Buss, an evolutionary psychologist, suggests, “Men and women have evolved different reproductive strategies; while men are driven to spread their genes widely, women may seek multiple partners for different resources and genetic benefits.” Buss’s work in The Evolution of Desire explores the evolutionary basis of mating behavior, supporting the idea that the urge for variety in sexual partners is biologically embedded.
- Research by Dr. Justin Lehmiller of The Kinsey Institute states, “Women have the capacity for multiple orgasms, which may biologically predispose them to seek varied sexual partners to maximize satisfaction.” His findings support the argument that women’s physiological capacities support pursuing different partners for optimal experiences.
- Cultural Shifts:
- Stephanie Coontz, a family and marriage historian, writes, “The rise of individualism and personal fulfillment as primary goals have made monogamy seem outdated to many. It no longer serves the purpose it once did in pre-industrial societies, where family ties and alliances were central.” In her book Marriage, a History, Coontz details how cultural changes have shifted perceptions of monogamy, making it less relevant to some.
The Case for Monogamy
- Religious and Agricultural Roots:
- Historian Will Durant argues, “The institution of monogamy was essential in agricultural societies to maintain lineage, property rights, and societal stability.” Durant’s historical analysis in The Story of Civilization emphasizes how monogamy became intertwined with the emergence of property ownership and the need to control lineage and inheritance.
- Christian theologian Tim Keller writes, “Monogamy is not just a cultural relic; it is a moral and spiritual ideal that aligns with human dignity and divine principles.” In his work The Meaning of Marriage, Keller highlights that many religious traditions see monogamy as a reflection of spiritual faithfulness.
- Desire for Lifelong Partnership:
- A Pew Research Center (2022) study found that 88% of married adults cite love and companionship as primary reasons for getting married. The study highlights that, despite changing societal norms, most people still value long-term monogamous relationships as a source of emotional fulfillment and stability.
- Psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), notes, “Monogamy allows for the development of deep, secure emotional bonds that are not easily replicated in multiple or casual partnerships. It fosters trust and a sense of safety that many people need to thrive.” (Source: Hold Me Tight)
- Emotional and Psychological Benefits:
- The American Psychological Association published a study indicating that individuals in stable, monogamous marriages generally report lower levels of stress and better mental health outcomes compared to those who are unmarried or in multiple partnerships. The report concludes that monogamy, based on mutual commitment, provides a consistent support system that contributes positively to overall well-being.
- Author and marriage therapist John Gottman writes, “Long-term monogamy creates a framework where couples can build emotional intimacy, a critical component of lasting satisfaction in relationships.” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)
- Societal Stability:
- In The Origins of the Family, Private Property, and the State, Friedrich Engels argues that monogamy stabilized society by linking economic cooperation with familial unity. Monogamous families provided a foundation for early agricultural societies to secure resources and build communities.
- In his work on family structures, social scientist Brad Wilcox writes, “Communities with higher rates of stable marriages tend to have lower crime rates and higher economic productivity. The stability provided by monogamous families cannot be easily replaced by other social structures.” (Source: The Marriage and Religion Research Institute)
The debate over monogamy reflects a clash between biological, cultural, and spiritual perspectives. While some experts argue that monogamy is unnatural and biologically challenging, others emphasize its benefits for emotional well-being and societal stability. Historical and modern evidence shows that monogamy has adapted to fit the needs of different societies, but whether it remains viable in a modern context depends on individual and collective choices. Whether one views it as an ideal to aspire to or a constraint to be overcome, monogamy remains a powerful and enduring concept.
References:
- Fisher, Helen. Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. Henry Holt and Co.
- Wrangham, Richard. The Evolution of Human Sexuality. Harvard University Press.
- Schwartz, Pepper. American Couples: Money, Work, and Sex. William Morrow & Co.
- Perel, Esther. The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Harper Collins.
- Buss, David. The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating. Basic Books.
- Lehmiller, Justin. The Kinsey Institute studies on sexual behavior.
- Coontz, Stephanie. Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage. Viking.
- Durant, Will. The Story of Civilization. Simon & Schuster.
- Keller, Timothy. The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God. Dutton.
- Pew Research Center (2022). Marriage and Divorce Rates in the U.S.
- Johnson, Sue. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
- The American Psychological Association. Journal of Family Psychology.
- Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
- Engels, Friedrich. The Origins of the Family, Private Property, and the State. Penguin Classics.
- Wilcox, Brad. The Marriage and Religion Research Institute studies on marriage and family stability.